Theonly guy I ever loved called me ugly the night that we broke up. Actually, the night that he broke up with me although I’m the one who told him to leave. I knew it was the right decision for us to break up. It had been brewing openly for a week and on the hemisphere of my thoughts for more than that, but when he was gone I was totally lost. Flung into despair.
That was the last time I had sex with anybody I cared about. After the only man I’d ever loved–I mean LOVED body soul and spirit–called me ugly and looked at me with eyes flush with hate, I could not bring myself to have sex with another man I cared about. It was easy. After him I never really cared about any man anyway.
Now I separate the two: love and sex. I love my friends and my family. I sex men who I barely know and realize I’ll never see again. Momentarily I find something about them that is beguiling, but when its over I don’t cry like I did for months after the ugly comment. I assume they will leave because who could stay with a girl as ugly as me? If the only man I ever loved couldn’t love me back or even be kind to me when leaving, then how could I expect anymore from anybody else?
Whenever I meet someone new and they tell me I’m pretty I see Nate’s eyes and I know they are lying.
The scary part is that I don’t know how to like someone new. I cannot wrap my mind around having a physical relationship with a person I care about because my heart has not recovered from the wreckage of last time.
I am so afraid to walk that line of hope and inevitable disappointment that comes with a new infatuation. I really want to be in love. I really want to meet somebody that I can be best friends with and know with full certainty loves me back. I need to meet somebody who will not make me feel like a second choice girl. Boyfriends of the past have gotten married while dating me, cheated on me, lied to me, had me walk in on them having sex with other girls, threw me into brick walls, and decided they’d rather get drunk, high or both with their boys instead of spending a thursday night cooking dinner with me.
If second choice girl was a syndrome I’d be terminal. In total honesty (and because this is a private blog) I don’t want to settle for my second choice either. I try to like these guys who are nice enough and show enough interest in me, but they aren’t me first choice and I know if I met someone else I’d only break their hearts.
Is it so hard to find a first-choice guy who makes me his first-choice too?
Well I am certain of this much: I cannot have another disappointment in my romantic life and live through it with 100% optimism. At this point I’m barely getting through the day at 70.
