Re-Inveting Amanda June 29, 2006

Daniel says I need to re-invent myself. I should stop obsessing over small things that I have no control over, and stop being so dramatic all the time. He says, not me. He’s right, I’m wrong, as usual.

Kyle’s a jerk, I don’t even want to be friends really. The magazine is what matters to me, but otherwise, I really don’t care what he does or who he fucks. He wants to fuck a girl I work with. She’s a sweetie and has a live-in boyfriend, but that doesn’t deter him. He has a live-in fiance asfterall. What a pig.

Tomorrow, Adrian is taking me for an HIV test before work. This way I can stop my nightmares and move on with life. The Park Avenue guy came by work today and asked me out for next friday night. I said yes, but I plan on cancelling next week. He doesn’t want anything serious with me, and I’m sick of being filler until he finds a girl he wants to marry.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am still a first choice girl.

Bo’s a sweetheart, but he’s not in a plce to date me right now. Our schedules conflict so we can never go on dates, and he’s going to Spain in two months to film a movie until early next year. Such is the problem with dating actors…they leave before things have a chance to really develop. Besides, I’m still not totally convinced that he’s straight.

In other news, I plan on being a recluse for the remainder of summer. There are books I want to read, and countless museums and shows I must attend. Plus–my magazine is out in September, and I need to prepare mentally.

I think I’m going to subscribe to the Village Voice. It’s the closest I can get myself to reading real news.

I Heart Bo June 25, 2006

Emotionally, its been a rough week. The highs were high and the lows were low, but never as low as last night. Several nights this week I had nightmares. Horrible detailed dreams, about things I wish not discuss. Towards the end of the week, I’d wake up shaking and clenched. I have a cut on my inner bottom lip, from biting nervously in my sleep. Last night I was terrified to go to sleep alone.

Although I was totally exhausted, my terror kept me awake. Thank God for Bo. (The Actor). I texted him to come sleep over because I was afraid, and he left a party and come right away. When he got there he knew I was upset, and although I didn’t want to talk about it, he carried me over to my bed, put his arm around me, and made me talk.

Except I didn’t talk. I just cried. I cried and cried, for no exact reason, and the only words I could get out was: nobody here cares about me.

Bo was so sweet to me. He told me that I was ridiculous because everyone who meets me cares about me. He told me that I’m a person that people can’t help but love. ‘your girls at work care about you–your next door nieghbour cares about you–and so does your friend tim. The only people that don’t care about you are these douches that you insist on dating, excluding me, of course, because I care about you a lot.’

And then he made me laugh and told me that I look cute when I cry, when I announced that I looked like a wreck. So for the rest of the night, he slept with his arms around me in case I had a bad dream. Do you see what I mean when I feel safe with Bo? I’m really amazed that I have such horrible taste in men I date, and such supreme luck in one-night-stands. I don’t know if we could ever be anything serious–especially since he knows all my secrets–but I’m definately glad I have him as my friend in New York.

Massage Room Romp June 23, 2006

In the last twenty-four hours, I’ve made 8 sales, ended my weekend romance with the millionaire, hung out with Nate, and resumed having sex with Bossman. sex in the massage room during work, to be specific.

Every girl deserves a ‘promisucous’ phase, don’t you think? It’s hard for me to rationalize why I’m doing all that I’m doing these days, but maybe it’s that simple. I just need to get it out of my system.

Tim has a theory about men and marriage. Women don’t make men want to get married, men get to a point in their lives when they decide marriage is the next logical step, and they marry whoever they are with. It’s not particularly romantic, but I think it bears some merrit.

Today, Kyle and I snuck away from work to have a drink around 2:30PM. We called it ‘team outreach’ and escaped watchful eyes for an hour. I asked him to tell me the story of him and his fiance. How they met, why he loves her, all that good stuff. He said that the week before she accepted a date with him, he was sleeping with four different women, but one night he was sitting at a bar, having a beer, and it occured to him: he was all alone in the world. He could’ve called any of those girls for sex, but he couldn’t call any of them to just hang out.

The next week he went out with the girl, five months later they moved in together, and three weeks after that, they were engaged. Boom. He was ready, she was there, they lived happily ever after…

except for the fact that he’s still fucking me, of course. details.

since all of our co-workers called in sick today, we had the place to ourselves. i told the receptionist to call me if any clients came in, and we ran upstairs to get down. well…just when things started heating up, my cell phone began rining off the hook. damn it–a customer came in! I left kyle on the table, half covered in body lotion and more than half undressed, and ran downstairs to answer the misguided love attempts of a client who wanted to buy her full-corporate boyfriend a membership. silly girl. he gets it practically free through his company. back to business!

flash-forward a bit: me, half on the table and taking it from behind, when my phone rings again.

Receptionist: Amanda, a girl wants to buy a gift certificate. (when you read the lines of the receptionist, imagine a girl with michael jackson’s last seen nose job, and a high squeaky voice. did i mention her first language isn’t english?)

Me (searching for my underwear and wiping my legs with a towel): tell her to come back tomorrow! I’m busy.

Receptionist: Amanda, a gift certificate? How I sell that? You coming down?

Me: No…I’m busy…I can’t talk…tell her to go away.

Receptionist: you coming down now?

ME: NOOOO!!!! COME BACK TOMORROW!!! I AM BUSY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I HAVE TO GO!!!

Receptionist: OK, I tell her come back tomorrow?

Me: Click.

I asked Kyle a little later if he liked me when we first met–you know–before he was engaged. he said, i like you a lot more now. i thought you were really cute then, but now i know you as a person, and its a lot better. I tell him all the time that I don’t think they’ll get married. He doesn’t totally think so either. The date is set for next september, but a lot can happen before then. anyhow, it looks like tim’s theory might be right. In that case, I need to get my timing straight.